Pardon my slag, I'm being refined

I'm blessed enough to be able to look back on childhood with lots of great memories. No one's childhood is perfect, but mine was pretty darn good. As an only child, my loving parents lavished attention on me. No siblings to fight with, just a huge collection of toys and pets. Always a nice home in a safe neighborhood with a splendid backyard. Many great family vacations year-round. Aside from some recollections of my mom's health being up and down and feeling painfully shy at school, life was a cakewalk.

At age 12 and 14, I received two sisters. Now I didn't have unlimited attention from my parents, but I grew to adjust. And life continued to be great. No money problems, no bad grades, no big worries. In high school I had good clean fun and a bunch of loyal friends. And a stable youth group and a relationship with God. It was in that youth group that I remember singing these words during worship:

Purify my heart

Let me be as gold and precious silver

Purify my heart

Let me be as gold, pure gold

Refiners fire

My heart's one desire is to be holy,

set apart for you Lord

I choose to be holy,

set apart for you my master

Ready to do your will

I remember singing those words with all the passion and sincerity in my heart. And at that time, I really did want to be set apart for God, I really did want to be purified. I was really naive.

Seventeen years later, after mistakes and broken hearts, after commitment to my husband "in sickness and in health," after dealing with the frustrations I didn't anticipate with marriage and motherhood, I sometime yell up at God, "What are you DOING right now in my life!?" Lately, the reply is one word: REFINEMENT. And that's when the memory of singing at youth group comes flooding back. Standing there at age 15, singing wholeheartedly with my eyes closed, longing for God to be present in my life. I truly wanted it, but did I realize what I was asking for? No! How could I? Life back then was really easy and I had not yet hit the reality of big decision-making and consequences in my life. Refinement was not all that painful.

But today I wince in the fire.

Have you ever studied the process of refining metal? In biblical times it involved applying heat until the metal melted, then straining out the impurities, or slag, that rose to the top. This process would repeat over and over again. Even with today's modern methods, purification still involves applying extremely high temperatures, as well as electrical currents, acid baths, and noxious gasses. And the process is still very slow.

What a wonder that something so beautiful and costly comes from a process where it is pulverized, liquefied, attacked, and broken down OVER and OVER until it becomes 99.999 percent pure. And just like it can never be 100 percent pure, neither can we ever be 100 percent perfect, even though being Christlike is our aim. Now I take a look back at some of those lyrics a little bit more carefully:

"Refiner's fire..."

I was singing softly and sweetly about fire. FIRE! A destructive element. Being toasted over and over again. Ouch!

"My heart's one desire is to be holy..."

My ONE desire? Gosh, I wish it was to be holy, but sometimes my heart's one desire is whatever is in front of me: money, a better looking whatever, endless scrapbook supplies....

"...set apart for you my master, ready to do your will."

One thing I am often guilty of is NOT setting myself apart for God so that I am ready to do His will, but rather throwing myself into the big stressed out moment. Or just seeking out temporary distractions.

So when I wonder why my life is full of trails, should I really be all surprised? I was ASKING for refinement all those years ago....and I still do. Everyone has their own fires to go through. For me there's been depression, disappointment, anxiety, loss of loved ones, the death of dreams, the day to day ordinary stresses that alone are no big deal, but repeating day after day seem intolerable...The impurities that are being burned away? How about greed, worry, anger, selfishness (a big one). The gold that will be brought forth if I am willing to let go of the slag...love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control.

I can't lie. This refinement thing is scaring me. But it comforts me too. When I wonder what my life's purpose is...refinement. When I wonder why bad things keep happening...refinement. When I wonder how I am ever to to achieve contentment...refinement.

It's not bad luck. It's not karma. It's the Refiner's fire. And I can't tell you how it all turns out yet. Because I am still being refined.