Measurement

As a mother of young kids, it is understandable that I use a unique language for describing abstract concepts. Take measurement, for instance. Before kids can fully grasp how long a minute feels, or how long a foot is, they develop their own description of measurement. When my son was two, he used to measure anything in elephants. Not just expected things, like height and weight, but also other non-pachyderm things, like lengths of time and food portions. Heck, he even measured FEELINGS and OPINIONS with elephants.

"How exciting was that movie, Wyatt?"

"Oh, it was like 3 ELEPHANTS GOOD!"

"How are you feeling today, Wyatt?"

"I'm feeling as good as 75 ELEPHANTS!!!"

My son is five now and struggling to grasp some kindergarten concepts, particularly the passage of time. He has not quite got the hold of how long half-an-hour is, or what day of the week we are on. But he's learning. His personal concepts of measurement remain, but now he measures time in a more sophisticated manner...in Curious George episodes. Just this morning I let him pick a 20-minute 80's cartoon about video games.

"How long is this show mom?"

"About 20 minutes"

"How many Curious Georges is that?"

"A little more than one."

"One whole show? Or one story?"

There are two 15-minute stories in each Curious George episode, so we always end up in a long discussion over whether I meant episodes or stories. I think we need a new standard of measurement.

A little earlier today I had a lengthy conversation with a very good friend, someone I have been communicating with since before I comprehended speech. We have a history together of over 30 years, and although we don't talk often over the phone and we live hundreds of miles apart, it feels as though we were just hanging out yesterday no matter how long it has been. Our conversation ranges from the trivial to the deepest spiritual struggles in our hearts. Today we sped through the how-are-yous to what God has really been doing in our lives. Soon, the conversation took a turn towards measurement...the measurement of ourselves to the world's definition of sucesss.

This talk got me thinking that as ridiculous as my son's elephant and cartoon measurements are to me, I wonder if I use just as amusing measurements in front of God. What do I tend to measure myself with? Well, there are obvious things, like the amount of money in my bank accounts (far too little), the size of my jeans (far too big), and the amount of work I am putting into a career outside my home (non-existent). Then there are more subtle measurements, like the square footage of my backyard, the outdated look of my home's interior, the length of time since I dyed my hair or styled it for that matter. Dig even deeper, and you will find an even more sinister table of measurement, which ponders questions like:

"When will I ever get this house completely clean? And how long can I handle the stress until then?"

"Was I just yelling at my kids too loud? Should I be disciplining them more or less? I have no idea!"

"How jealous can I be of my friend, who balances work and family so well?"

"What's my level of satisfaction in my marriage right now? And who's to blame for that?!"

"How depressed am I today? And is that normal?"

And THEN there's the mother of all my questions..."Am I where a person is supposed to be at my age? Shouldn't I be richer...happier...better looking...?"

It's here I sometimes stop and ask "Just who am I supposed to be as happy as?" My neighbor or friend, a girl in church, some woman I see jogging every morning? Even if I get that figured out, chances are that person is not as satisfied as I assume. They have their own list of shortcomings. I realize that I am playing the losing game of comparisons, because I can't figure out what my life's standard is, who's setting it, or how long it will stay the same. As advertisers try to convince me, there's always a better life out of reach.

"Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is – his good, pleasing and perfect will" God says to me in Romans. I'm not meant to find fulfillment in society's pattern of success. Why? Because that's not what I was created for. Sure, acquiring money or a job, a nice house or car is fine. Things are not bad in themselves. But am I pursuing those things for validation? Am I using those things as evidence that I have arrived? As measurement for my worth?

Ok, if worth is not found by the pattern of this world, then where can I find it? Ah ha! In God's will. God has a path to His will that is designed to be as unique as I am. And how do I discover His will? By renewing my mind. Now, this is hard, because left to its own my mind stagnates into a a cesspool of what-ifs and comparisons and leaves me with an unsatisfied heart. This is especially true on days when I wear nothing but pajamas and am perpetually cleaning my kitchen. But if I ask God if I am meant to be wiping running noses, cleaning up dishes, and reading The Bunny Book for the third time today, He gently says "For now, yes." Because He has a sense of humor, and a passion for humbling me and blessing me in ways I don't expect. I am learning to accept that His path may or may not take me past a great house, a new car, a thin body. But for right now, I am going to thank Him for my loving home, my running car, and my healthy body. And someday when my car is broken and my body is sick, I hope I am still thanking Him.

My friend gave me a great exercise to help me put to death my comparison game. I am to draw a picture of the "perfect family," then burn it in my fireplace. Thus, I will hopefully let go of my striving to measure up to a standard that does not even exist. What a great idea! I look forward to completing this assignment. Details to follow.